The Truth About Self Care
Self-Care is getting a lot of hype right now, and I say - It’s about time we put the focus back on our emotional health. If you’re new to my work, you must know that I’m a huge supporter of prioritizing mental wellbeing and taking diligent and loving care of yourself, whatever that looks like to you.
But here’s the thing: there’s tons of advice out there about what self-care means, and the many mixed messages we receive can leave us feeling confused.
Self Care can be presented to us as a way of living - activities that you do on a consistent basis that, over time, lead to improved emotional and physical health. These may or may not feel great in the short term but generally lead to a good result. Exercise, meditation, brushing your teeth, cooking healthy meals, and spending time with loved ones fall into this category. We build these activities into our daily routines. They aren’t really exciting or special and so we don’t tend to pay much attention to them.
The kind of self care that gets the most recognition are the activities that help us feel good. These are things you do, all in the name of taking care of yourself, to treat yourself or give yourself a break. Think pedicures, shopping, going out for drinks with friends, indulging in chocolate cake, or going away for a weekend to recharge. What all these activities have in common is that give you a hit of dopamine – which feels great, gives you pleasure or joy in the short term, or instant gratification. Even things like canceling plans or avoiding “toxic” people could be considered “self-care” in this category. These types of actions are all about providing relief from discomfort.
Our brains love pleasure,
So naturally, we tend to think that if something feels good, then it must be good for us. Our brain thinks that discomfort will kill us, and so it’s natural to think that if we avoid hard things then we must be taking care our ourselves.
But the current self care culture can actually be harmful and can lead to a misunderstanding of what self care is and why we do it.
There’s a lot of people talking about self-care in terms of actions you take to make yourself feel better. It’s all-over social media, served up to us with a side of #positivevibes and inspirational memes. We are constantly flooded with ideals of what self care should look like. And if we aren’t careful, we may start to compare and beat ourselves up for not doing enough and failing to meet this illusionary standard in the world of wellness.
In many instances, self care has become a commodity.
It’s been turned into something that can be bought or sold, something we get outside of ourselves. Its marketed to us on a grand scale to sell anything and everything, from luxury vacations to skincare.
This leads to thinking that we need money if we want to show ourselves some love, which is definitely a big misconception.
The messages are confusing.
On one hand, we are told that we should take care of ourselves, that we deserve a break, and if we aren’t doing this, we are doing it wrong.
But at the same time, we are taught to put ourselves last, that our main purpose is to care for others, often at the expense of ourselves. Do you ever feel guilty for taking a break? Do you make sure everything gets done for the people in your life, but your own wants and needs don’t show up anywhere on the to-do-list?
The often subtle, but ever-present messages that say that putting yourself first is selfish can lead to a conflicted relationship with self-care, and a lot of unnecessary guilt and confusion.
So why is self-care such a hot topic?
A lot of us feel burnt out, lonely and constantly stressed, which can lead to attempts to reclaim some level of control over our lives by engaging in actions that we think will make us feel better.
But unfortunately, a lot of what we consider self-care centers around things that don’t help and simply distract us from ourselves and our emotions.
In other words, we may be using ‘self-care’ to avoid or deal with our feelings, comfort ourselves, and numb out at the end of the day.
Sometimes we use self-care to deal with the stress that builds up when we don’t know how to manage our mind.
When we think we need a break from the craziness of our own life, when we think we need to check out from the pressure of our circumstances, there’s a good chance that the actual activity isn’t really self-care, but avoidance, or temporary relief. Of course, it is never our lives that are creating these feelings of stress and overwhelm, it is our thoughts. But we aren’t taught this, so escaping seems like our only option if we want to feel better.
I’m all for spa days and shopping sprees but the truth is, these things aren’t going to make you more emotionally resilient. A new pair of shoes won’t radically change your self-image or create confidence. The key to inner peace can’t be found anywhere outside of yourself.
Real Self-Care is about tuning in, not tuning out.
This simple concept can clarify everything. As always, awareness is the most crucial step.
What comes up for you when you think about self-care? I’m too busy or It’s not important or I don’t deserve it, or I should be doing it. What you’ll notice is your brain gives you tons of thoughts and you usually aren’t very aware of them.
We know that thoughts create our feelings, and feelings drive our actions so let’s start by getting really honest with ourselves about what we are thinking when we opt to engage in some self care – or skip it altogether.
The “Why” behind the action matters.
What matters even more than the actual activity is the reason behind why you’re doing it. Ask the tough questions and be honest. No judgment!
Are you binge watching Netflix to avoid your own thoughts and feelings? Are you buying that outfit because you are trying to influence what someone else thinks about you? Are you eating the treat because you feel bored and lonely? Are you going to yoga to avoid a difficult conversation with your partner? Are you cancelling plans because you have anxious thoughts about the party? Do you blame the stress – the cranky toddler, the critical boss, the distant husband – for why you pop open a bottle of wine at the end of the day?
To be clear, pleasure is an important part of life, and I love a good self care measure as much as anyone. In fact, you can find me in my bath tub every single night.
But the why behind the action really matters.
Going out for a jog can be an amazing form of self care if you’re doing it to support your health and well-being. But if you’re doing it to avoid your anger or because you hate your body and feel ashamed for eating dessert, then it isn’t self care. Can you see the difference here? Seeking temporary relief vs doing the deeper work that gets to the root of why we feel how we do in the first place.
The truth is, we can’t solve a feeling with an action, because our feelings drive our actions (not the other way around).
Ask yourself with gentleness and compassion:
Am I using this activity to avoid my feelings? To drown out my thoughts? To help me cope?
Or am I doing this because I have chosen it intentionally, to prioritize my emotional or physical wellness? Because I enjoy it, because it helps me find peace, joy, delight.
Self love is the basis for self-care.
When we love ourselves deliberately, we engage in thoughtful self care – not to dodge our feelings, not to prove our worth, not to cope with our circumstances, and not to avoid ourselves but to be present with ourselves, and as an expression of love.
True self care flows from self love. The things we do or don’t do are an expression of the relationship we have with ourselves. How do you show up for yourself?
Think now of someone you completely and deeply love. Maybe it’s your child, or your mother, your partner, or your best friend.
When this person is upset and experiencing negative emotions, how do you respond? Do you say, “don’t worry about it, lets put on a movie and zone out? Have a treat, you deserve it.”
Or do you become present with them and say “What’s wrong? Tell me everything. I’m here for you.” Do you sit beside them, hold them, show them love and kindness?
Now answer this: do you do the same for yourself? When you feel discomfort, or emotional pain, when you feel upset, is your first instinct to push it away or take the edge off with some “self-care?” Do you distract yourself by heading to the pantry? Do you numb out with exercise? Do you escape by scrolling social media? Do you avoid the situation altogether by canceling plans?
Or do you tune into what is really going on for you? Can you sit with yourself when you feel disappointment, anxiety, shame? Can you face the truth of your own experience and accept yourself where you are?
Do you attend to yourself the way you would someone you love? Do you talk to yourself with the same kindness and compassion?
Remember, thoughts create feelings which drive actions.
And when your thoughts towards yourself are loving and kind, then your self-care will reflect that.
Doing the inner work is the most transformative way to care for yourself.
Managing your mind matters and is the most powerful form of self care because your mind is where everything in your life begins.
To manage your mind is to hold space for your thoughts and feelings and love yourself through the discomfort. It empowers you to live in truth and acceptance and develop the capacity to shift the stories and beliefs that aren’t serving you anymore.
Sometimes we want self care because we feel stressed, bored, lonely, or sad. But we are creating those things for ourselves when our mind is not managed. Usually, we think it is the circumstance causing the feeling, but it is the inability to manage our mind around it.
The ultimate in self care is managing your mind so that you can fully show up for your life from a place of empowerment and not spend half of it trying to escape.
It’s about intentionally caring for your body, mind, and spirit even when it feels uncomfortable instead of trying to avoid pain and distract with false pleasure.
Remember, self care has nothing to do with what you’re doing, but everything to do with why you are doing it. Learning to manage your thoughts and feelings so you can care for yourself with intention is imperative and will change your life in the absolute best way.
Honor your one precious life by living it fully, deliberately, and with purpose.
Anything is possible for you.
