How (And Who) Expectations Hurt

About two years ago, I was driving home from a women’s wellness retreat at a lake house in Michigan.  It had a been a weekend of soulful inner work, gourmet meals, solo walks on the beach, pajama yoga, and deep conversations with other like-minded ladies. I was in an amazing mood. I was well rested. I felt clear headed and calm. I was excited to see my family. I visualized what it would be like to walk into my clean and organized home, and pictured warm hugs, questions about my weekend, and cuddles on the couch.

My Expectations were high to say the least.

But when I arrived home after a long drive, I was instead met by four people whose moods were clearly not as glorious as my own. It was 9pm and the house was messy. My husband stood at the sink doing the dishes, trying to reign in the chaos of being outnumbered by three little people.  I was met with hugs and kisses, and then requests for snacks, and help with reading, and arguments between siblings over toys, followed by tears and then a hasty bedtime.

I noticed that my husband wasn’t particularly chatty, and he seemed quiet and exhausted. I took this personally. I stormed out of the room. I felt angry with him. I had been anticipating that he – and everybody else - would be in the same elated mood as I was. But of course, his weekend had been quite different than mine. I felt disappointed and upset that he wasn’t acting as I had expected.  I was instantly in a bad mood and felt that my family had caused it.

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What I wish I knew then, is what I know now: All of my negative feelings were created entirely by my own expectations. I was upset that the others weren’t behaving the way I expected that they would upon my return.  My husband hadn’t ruined my mood. My family didn’t cause what I was feeling.  The truth is, I was completely responsible for how I felt that night.

We all have Expectations.

Most of us have many ideas about how other people should behave and how life should be. We enter relationships with a long list of things we expect from others and most of the time we don’t even tell them – we just expect them to know and even read our minds.  We hold tight to our stories about what it means to be the right kind of parent, a good friend, a loving partner. Almost like a how-to guide for exactly how another person should be. And if we aren’t careful, we may find ourselves really upset when others aren’t complying with the manual we have created for them.

We think that other people cause our feelings.

We cling to our expectations because we mistakenly think that other people are responsible for our emotional state. We think that what someone else says, does, or thinks dictates how we feel.  For example, you may notice yourself thinking, if my boss doesn’t recognize my work, I’ll be upset. If my mom doesn’t offer to watch the kids, I’ll be let down. Having a manual for others is an attempt to control our lives, and because we think it will bring us peace and certainty. Really, it creates the exact opposite result.

We feel justified in our expectations.

We talk to the people in our lives and they all agree: Your husband absolutely should bring you flowers on your birthday. Your sister should know you need support right now. Your friend should call to check in on you. They should invite you over.

We gather a lot of evidence for our expectations and then we feel justified in having them. We compare their actions to what we would do. We expect others to act or feel the same way. We believe that what we expect is completely reasonable – and maybe it is.  But notice how you feel when you think that others aren’t behaving the way they should be.  What do you make it mean about you, them, your relationship? What do you do when you feel this way? You control. You judge. You manipulate the situation. You disconnect. 

Sometimes we say that we expect certain things from others because we want what is best for them. For example, I want him to start exercising because I care for him. I want her to stop drinking alcohol because I love her. But notice that you aren’t loving the other as they actually are. You are loving an idealized version of them.

There is a difference between standards and expectations.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you lower your expectations and never, ever ask for anything. I am not suggesting that you don’t have boundaries or that you just accept whatever comes your way. I am not recommending that you stay in relationships that you don’t want.

Standards and expectations both play an important role in relationships, and even though we may confuse the two, they are very different.

Standards are a level of quality that we set for ourselves.  Our standards dictate how we behave towards ourselves and others, and what we allow into our lives.

I strongly encourage you to set a standard that you will only accept treatment that is loving, respectful, and dignified, and that you will not tolerate abuse or mistreatment.  

Standards empower you to take ownership of what is happening in your life.

Expectations are ideas that we have about how we want things to go, or how we want other people to be. When what we expect to happen doesn’t occur, we feel disappointed, upset, and angry. This often stems from unrealistic expectations –when we expect things and people to be different than they are. Or when we want other people to change their personalities, their beliefs, their values, or their behavior to line up with our own ideals.

Expectations disempower you by making your emotional well-being dependent on something external that you cannot control.

Making requests or hoping for something is one thing. Basing your emotions on the outcome is quite another.

It's ok to make requests of others and to desire certain things in your relationships. For example, there is nothing wrong with confiding in a family member and hoping for support or asking that your husband runs an errand for you.

But the truth is, you cannot control how other people will respond. You can try to influence or control them, but ultimately, what other people do is entirely up to them.  Many of us mistakenly believe that merely expecting someone to do what we want will actually make it happen. This works out well when the other person happily obliges or acts in the way we desire. But what happens when we base our feelings of confidence and happiness on the reactions or responses of others, and they don’t comply?

We Hurt Ourselves with our Expectations.

The truth is expectations are subjective, biased, and as unique as the individual having them. Some people expect their partner to compliment them or help with housework. Others expect that their loved one will provide support or affection after a hard day. The challenge is our ideals might not line up within relationships, and often we never even verbalize them at all.

Other people will rarely follow the manual, we have laid out for how they should behave.

Then we feel sad, resentful, and angry because others aren’t doing what we want them to do. We create stories about the person or the relationship that are painful, and cause suffering for ourselves.

It is your own thoughts that create your feelings – always.

Despite what we may think or have been taught, it is never the actins or response of other people that cause us to feel anything. We attach meaning to what other people say and do in the form of a thought and this creates a feeling. In other words, we interpret the behaviour of other people to be of a particular significance, and then we feel certain emotions.

You are always responsible for your own happiness and emotional health. Always. Not just sometimes. All the time.

Not your partner, or best friend, or mother, or boss. You.

So - you’ve got some unmet expectations that are causing you to feel terrible.

Here are some suggestions to help:

1.      Awareness. The first step, as always, is to become aware of the manuals that you have created for other people. We always do this from a place of self love, curiosity, and non-judgment for ourselves – and recognize that there is nothing inherently wrong with having expectations. But in order to create a different experience for yourself, you must identify the thoughts that are creating you feelings. I recommend writing out your thoughts. This allows you to regain some distance between yourself and your mind and see what is actually happening in there.  Notice the stories and thoughts about what the other person should have done, the emotion it is creating for you, and the meaning you are attaching to it.

2.      Accept responsibility for your own emotions. Begin to build your own experience with something you do have power over: Your own thoughts and feelings. When something happens and you feel disappointed, recognize that it’s because you had a belief and expectation about what they should have done. For example, you expected that your mom would offer to take the kids each week while you work. When she didn’t, you felt disappointed. Start to pay attention to the story you create in your mind about the meaning behind her actions. What if you accepted the fact that your mother can be any way that she wants to? What if you didn’t make it mean anything negative about you, your mom, or the relationship? Ask yourself what you think you would feel if she did what you wanted her to? Focus back to what you can do the create the feeling that you want for yourself.  

3.      Expect others to be themselves. This is the only person that they are capable of being anyways. See the person as they actually are and accept that this is how they are supposed to be, even if you don’t agree or cannot relate, or they don’t fit your ideal. Understand that who they are and how they respond has nothing to do with you. Remember that other people are not you. Stop expecting others to think, feel, and respond like you would.  

4.      Decide to love the other person exactly as they are. Instead of focusing on the ways that they aren’t measuring up, start to notice the things you appreciate about them. Look for what you can be grateful for. Can you accept and love someone through their imperfections? In doing so, you can start to release your rules for how other people should be and start to love them for who they actually are.

5.      Decide who you want to be. When your expectations are not met, ask yourself, how do I want to show up in this situation? Who do I want to be in this relationship? How can I use this experience to practice being the person I want to be? Only have expectations of yourself.

 The most important thing that you will ever realize is exactly how much power you have over your life.

Take the time to explore the rules books you hold for the people in your life. Intentionally decide if you will stay stuck in your expectations, or if it’s time to let them go.

What if you just let people be who they really are?

And you decide to love them, without them ever needing to do anything at all?

What if you drop the expectation that others will make you happy or meet your needs?

What if you met your own needs and made yourself happy?

This is so much freedom here. Try it. You’ll be glad you did.

Honor your one precious life by living it fully, deliberately, and with purpose.

Anything is possible for you.

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