Wanting More

Have you ever felt a yearning for more? For more meaning, connection, purpose? To be more or have more in your life?

About five years ago I was at a place in my life where things were going according to plan. I had a great and supportive husband, 3 wonderful little girls. A meaningful career in healthcare, helping others. A lovely home. Amazing family and friends.

I had accomplished all the goals I had laid out for myself. I had checked all of the boxes.

I had it all, and I knew it.

But inside, I was struggling.

If I was honest, I felt stuck and unfulfilled. I was definitely disconnected. I didn’t understand this, because despite my personal and professional successes, I felt was something missing. I didn’t want more things in a material sense. Yet I still felt a part of me nudging me forward, yearning for change.

So, I tried to make sense of it. I looked at my life and thought about the parts that were wrong. I thought I was missing something that would finally make me feel whole and content.  I didn’t know what I wanted or needed. But I knew I wanted more.

In my case, my desire for more out of life kept nagging at me. Thank goodness it did, because I became so tired of feeling unsettled that it propelled me forward onto a path of self discovery and changed everything.

I came to understand that as human beings, we have an inherent need to evolve, to change, to grow. We are seeking purpose.

We understand and live in this reality when we are younger. The first several decades of our life are all about dreaming and goals. We are future focused. We go to school. We graduate. We establish ourselves in the world. We create relationships and cultivate careers. We set up homes. We travel and have fun. We may have children. We want more for ourselves and we revel in creating that vision of the life we want.   

Somewhere along the lines though, we stop dreaming. We lose track of who we are and what we really want. We stop imagining beyond what we already have.

Sometimes we feel those desires creep up, but we aren’t sure what to make of them. After all, our life is good and we’re doing fine, so we decide we shouldn’t want more.

We don’t allow ourselves to dream. We brush off or suppress the parts of us that want “more” because we think that admitting it makes us greedy and selfish. We think we should be happy with what we have. We suppress, ignore, or distract from what we really want. We disconnect from the part of us that loves to dream, grow, change. We may start to feel empty, and unfulfilled, as though we are just going through the motions. We drink or eat or work more to distract from our own reality.

The truth is that dreaming and wanting more can feel really uncomfortable and inconvenient.

Acknowledging it means shaking it up, changing the status quo. Our brain, whose main job is to keep us safe, may freak out a little bit when we admit to ourselves that we want to make some changes in our life. This ignites our doubts, and fears, and potential for failure and can be really scary.  After all, there is comfort in the familiar routine because we know what to expect. It’s safe. One of my teachers once said we bury our desires underneath our doubts, and I agree totally. We see a glimpse of something that we want for ourselves – maybe it’s improved health, or starting a business, or a better marriage. But immediately our brain is flooded with all the reasons why this isn’t possible, or why it won’t work. And so, we bury that dream right back down. 

What I want to share with you now are three concepts that changed everything for me and helped me own – and ultimately create – what I wanted most.

Wanting From Abundance

If I were to ask you right now to tell me all of things you want, you would probably list lots of things that you don’t currently have – what you believe you are lacking, or what you hope for someday. Most people only allow themselves to want from a place of scarcity – from not enough-ness. When you dream with this kind of energy, it reminds you of what you don’t have and leads to feeling pretty bad. Wanting from scarcity sounds like, “When I accomplish this thing then I can finally feel happy”. This leads to the idea of chasing happiness and reinforces the confusion we have about where joy really comes from (hint, it doesn’t come from outside of us. It comes from our thoughts). 

But did you know that you can want from abundance?

The idea of wanting from abundance is all about wanting what you already have – and sometimes wanting more. It sounds like “I want what I have, I love what I have, and I want more. “

You can want something just because you desire it, not because you’re unhappy in your current circumstance. For example, you can want another job not because you’re unhappy in your current job. You can love many things about your job. But you can still want something different. You can want to create a deeper connection with your spouse not because your marriage isn’t already good. But because you want to develop new aspects of that relationship.

You can want more knowing that you will be happy if you keep things the way they are, or if you make a change. You can want from satisfaction instead of dissatisfaction. From a place of expansion, evolvement, from truer expression and deeper alignment with yourself.

This concept was so powerful for me because I used to have lots of thoughts like “I already have it all so why should I want anything?”.  I finally realized that I could love my life, and it was perfectly ok and normal to want more. It didn’t mean anything was wrong or lacking.

You are Allowed to Want More
without apology.

Let me just say, you can want what you want, and you don’t have to explain it to anyone. I think this is so important because many times we struggle with owning our wants without needing to justify them. I love the idea that I can want something simply because I want it, and I don’t have to explain why. I just have to like my own reason for wanting it. I don’t have to offer that reason to anyone else.

We are socialized to be very good at meeting the wants and needs of the people in our lives but not nearly as good at this with ourselves.  For many of us, even identifying our own wants can feel very difficult at first. Taking the time to figure them out is key.  

Part of our work is deciding that we are worthy of wanting more and believing that more is possible for us. 

The idea that I could want more without apology was lifechanging for me. I had spent so much time trying to talk myself into keeping things the same. And when I did decide that I wanted to create changes in my life, I felt a lot of guilt at first. As a result, I would over-explain to my friends and family. I would try to justify what I wanted most, maybe because at the time, I didn’t really understand that wanting more out of life was not selfish, or greedy. Its an inherent part of being human.

Our Desires Are the Roadmap to our best life

As my teacher Brooke Castillo says, “If we listen to our desires, they will lead us to a life where we feel the most alive.”  I believe this wholeheartedly.

Our desires exist as the arrows pointing us towards the life we are meant for. As humans we are made for more and are full of potential. We are wired to evolve, to grow, and to become the highest versions of ourselves.

Acknowledging that part of you that is yearning for more is the first step. Take the time to ask yourself, “What do I really want? How do I want to live my life?”  Ask yourself why.

Imagine your life, your future, if you could have it any way you wanted. Who would you be? How would you spend your time? What would your health look like? What kind of work would you do in the world? What would your relationships be like?

Allow yourself to want more. Allow yourself to dream. Know that the doubts and fears will creep up and this is part of the process. It doesn’t mean that anything has gone wrong.

Many of my clients say that they are seeking greater purpose in their lives, but they don’t know what that is or where to find it. The truth Is, we don’t find purpose by waiting for it to arrive on our doorstep. Most people create their most purposeful, meaningful life by actively pursuing their desires and taking the time to explore what they want and who they are deep down. This is the difference between living life by default and living life intentionally.

I’ll leave you with this – pay attention to that longing for more. Don’t distract. As humans, we are always stiving for a fuller, more expanded version of ourselves. You have so much influence over how your life will unfold. The truth is you can create anything you want in your life. To do so requires being in touch with yourself, and the first step is paying attention to the part of you that wants more.

Honor your one precious life by living it fully, deliberately, and with purpose.

Anything is possible for you.

Interested in learning more? Visit www.kristindicarlocoaching.com.