Tired of Worrying? Read this!
If you’re like me, you have probably had the experience of lying awake in bed in the middle of the night. Mind racing with all the what ifs.
Worrying about things that might happen. Spending time replaying events from the past. Imaging the worst-case scenario. Feeling completely out of control of the thoughts that just keep popping in your head:
What if something happens to someone I love?
What if I lose my job?
What if he gets sick?
What if that meeting goes badly tomorrow?
Are my kids happy? Are they okay?
I used to worry about everything. In fact, I was known to be a big worrier and the habit started when I was a very young child.
Yes, I said habit.
Worrying is a habitual thought pattern and a very destructive one. It’s very common and most of us do it from time to time.
It is also optional. Yup, that’s right. Worrying is not mandatory. It’s always something you choose, even though it feels like something you can’t help but do. Remember, your brain loves patterns and has been thinking in certain ways since forever. Our brains become accustomed to our thinking trends, and this includes worrying.
When you worry, your mind might tell you “My husband is late getting home from work, something has obviously gone wrong here, so I have to worry”. Or “My child seems distant, something must have happened, so I have to worry”.
Remember, that is just your unsupervised brain doing its thing.
We don’t have to listen to our brains.
Worrying is not beyond your control and it is not a sign from the universe that something has gone wrong.
Worrying is a thought you’re having, a feeling you’re experiencing, and an action you’re taking.
Worrying is always focused outside of the current moment. Either we are projecting fear into the future and imaging the worst-case scenario, or we’re ruminating on things that have already happened that we cannot go back and change.
The truth is that there is absolutely nothing in life that can be solved or even improved by worrying about it.
So why do we worry?
We know it doesn’t help us, so why do we do it?
Our brains are wired to worry
I think it is important to emphasize here that worrying is a very normal human response.
We are wired to constantly evaluate our surroundings for threats. The main goal of our brain is to protect us and keep us alive at all costs. This is a function of the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the fight or flight response in our bodies. A long time ago, this served us very well to rapidly identify things that could kill us like fires or bears or separation from the tribe. We needed to know what was dangerous if we wanted to survive, and act on it, quick.
The problem is that our primitive brain has not yet evolved to keep up with our modern times. Now, our brain worries not about getting killed by a tiger, but about an upcoming conversation with our boss or what we just saw on the news. We can launch into the fight or flight stress response because of an emotional threat, and when we worry, our brain starts to think something is wrong and the end is near.
Worry can feel preventative.
Worry can feel purposeful and important. It can feel useful. When a problem arises, it can feel like the most helpful and obvious option. It can feel like if we worry enough about the situation, we can avoid the outcome. Worrying does not make you more prepared.
Worry can be a distraction.
Worry can be a distraction from feeling. The brain uses worry to protect us from pain, from experiencing the feeling that is buried deep beneath the worry. In other words, sometimes we worry so we don’t have to feel. What I have noticed is that for me, underneath all the worry is usually fear (which feels terrible by the way). Fear of something happening that I cannot control. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Fear of a feeling that I don’t want to have.
Worry is a habit.
Have you ever noticed that you tend to worry about the same things over and over? For some of us it’s money. For others, it’s relationships, or health. What we worry about tends to be the same across the lifespan, it just changes based on context. For example, if you usually worry about money, you will probably worry most about the financial aspects during a divorce. This Is because our brain forms neural pathways based on what we think the most. This simply means that if your brain gets used to thinking the same thoughts over and over, it becomes the path of least resistance, and it will eventually become a mental habit. We tend to recycle the same thoughts and the same worries, and because the brain wants to be efficient, worrying can become our default.
We are socialized to worry.
We are taught to associate worrying with love. A lot of us believe that if we love or care for something it automatically means that we are going to worry. For example, we may feel like if we don’t worry about our children, then we aren’t a good mother. We may think that if we aren’t worrying, we aren’t caring (Spoiler alert: This is absolutely untrue!) Worry is not a mandatory component of love and is certainly not a reflection of how much you care.
We are also constantly fed societal messages teaching us to worry about how we look, what kind of car we drive, or if we will ever get married and what that means for our social status. When we don’t meet the social norms laid out for us, we worry out our future or how we are perceived in the world.
Worrying is Not our Friend.
Even though it feels important, worrying is never ever useful.
Worrying is not preventative. Worrying about our health does not improve it. Worrying about relationships does not make them easier. Worrying does not prevent future pain.
It feels terrible. It saps all our joy. It pulls us away from enjoying our life in the present moment.
The brain can only fully focus on one thing at a time, and when you worry, this consumes all your energy and attention. It takes you away from problem solving or finding things to make the problem better. Worrying becomes the action you are taking in your life. It is completely disempowering.
When we are feeling worried, that it is the fuel you are bringing to your life. We don’t want worry to be what is driving us. We want to bring useful emotions to our challenges.
How to Stop Worrying.
Even when we know that worrying doesn’t serve us, it can be a struggle to change it. Here are some helpful suggestions:
1. Awareness is the first step. Become aware when you are worrying. Simply start to notice when you are having worried thoughts or when you’re thinking sentences that start with “I am so worried...” Witness yourself worrying.
2. Come back to the present. Worrying always takes you out of the present moment. First, take slow deep breaths to calm down your nervous system. Ask yourself, “What do I see, feel, touch, and hear right now?” Come back to your body, away from your racing thoughts.
3. Write down the worry. Follow it through to the worst-case scenario. Get very specific. Grab a paper and pen and write down everything that you are worried about for a full five minutes. Why are you worried? What are you scared of? Are you worried you won’t have enough money? You’re never going to have a partner? Are you worried you can’t have a good life due to your health? Usually, the worst-case scenario boils down to a feeling. Remind yourself that no feeling – no matter how uncomfortable – can kill you. You are resilient, and can adapt and survive it, no matter what.
4. Separate out what you can and cannot control. I love this exercise. A lot of time we are spinning in worry while forgetting that we are not 100% in control of certain things despite our false sense that we are – our health, our lives, other people, the world. It is futile to worry about things we cannot control. On a paper, write two lists: things that I can control and things that I cannot.
5. Create a plan for the parts you can influence. Can you do anything about the things you are worried about? Humans are incredibly resourceful and can problem solve. Are there any steps you can take to make things better? Think of what you would do should your worst fears come to fruition. Turn your worries into an action plan. It is incredibly empowering to remind yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way.
6. Choose what you want to think and feel about the reality. Welcome your feelings but remind yourself that worry is a waste of time and energy. Your thoughts are always a choice. Ask yourself: What thoughts can I cultivate that would help me stay calm, present, and take courageous action? How do I want to feel about this situation?
7. Give equal airspace to all possible outcomes. Our brain always wants to be right and will look for evidence to support our thoughts. This is called cognitive bias. Our thoughts (including our worries) can feel so true. We sometimes want to default to the worst-case scenario but be sure to take the time to look at all the possible outcomes. What may also be true? I love the strategy of using “Yes, and” thoughts. This turn helps your brain look for evidence of other possibilities. For example:
Instead of: “He didn’t call me back! He is obviously dead!”, try this: “He didn’t call me back! Yes, and he is probably working and could not answer his phone”.
8. Believe in a bigger purpose. This can be difficult if you aren’t accustomed to thinking this way. But this has been so helpful for me – To believe that life always goes exactly the way it is supposed to, as part of a bigger plan.
Today I am giving you permission not to worry.
Decide that you want to become a person whose life is not consumed with worry. It is fully within your capacity to stop. I speak from experience here. In the past, I worried with the best of them. And it completely robbed me of my joy.
The most gratifying and powerful work I have ever done is the work on my own mind. Of course, I still have moments when worry makes an appearance – I just don’t entertain it (at least not for long). I know it is optional and it doesn’t help me create what I want for my life. I have full belief that I can handle anything that comes my way.
Worrying is simply a habit, an option that you don’t have to choose. You always get to decide what to think and feel in any given moment, no matter the circumstance. Worrying pulls you away from problem solving and taking action to make things better in your life. It keeps you paralyzed and does not serve you, ever.
You can worry, or you can enjoy the beautiful gift of your life today. You just can’t have both in the same moment.
