What Other People Think
Do you ever find yourself caught up in worrying about what other people are thinking? Ruminating about what might be going on in someone else’s mind?
We all do this sometimes. It’s part of being human.
You find yourself spinning in your head about why your date didn’t text you back. Or analyzing why your colleague didn’t like your idea. Or worrying that your friends will think you’re rude if you don’t go to the party.
The brain is wired to worry about what others think.
Humans are programmed to care a lot about social inclusion because we evolved in small tribes where being part of a group really mattered when it came to survival. We are socialized to care deeply about what other people think of us and our choices. Our brain thinks acceptance is especially important, so when there’s any threat of disapproval, it freaks out and tries to find some certainty. Before long, we may find ourselves spending way too much valuable time and energy worrying about what other people are thinking about us and whether or not we are measuring up to someone else’s standard.
Sometimes it actually is helpful to try to imagine what’s happening in someone else’s mind.
When we are trying to create empathy, love, and compassion for someone else, it can be really useful to consider what the other person may be thinking or feeling. It can also be a helpful strategy to get ourselves off the hamster wheel when we’re spinning about really negative possibilities. For example, when our friend cancels dinner and we make it mean that she doesn’t like us anymore. It can be helpful to explore other possibilities to explain her actions.
But too often we make our own wellbeing contingent on what someone else says or does.
The trouble begins when we think that we have to understand what is going on in someone else’s mind in order to know how we should feel or act.
Many of us spend way too much time worrying about and trying to control what other people think of us. It takes up so much mental energy. It keeps us completely stuck. We take their opinions too personally. We make other people’s thoughts mean something wrong about us.
We tell ourselves stories about other people and what they’re thinking all of the time. “He isn’t interested in me because he thinks I’m too much,” or “my boss doesn’t think I know what I’m doing or he would have asked for my opinion on that project,” or “I saw that look from my mother-in-law – she thinks I’m making the wrong decision.”
We may even take it further and make adjustments to our own lives based on what we think other people are thinking. We lose weight. We take on more responsibility at work. We try to blend in with the crowd. We attend events we don’t want to. We try to make it look like we’re doing fine (even if we aren’t).
What other people think about you has exactly zero to do with you.
Other people’s opinions, judgments, and expectations of you are not within your control and are not your issue to manage.
For me, this was a tough one to grasp. Really believing it took me some time. It required a fundamental shift in my own thinking but when it fully clicked for me it was like a weight came off.
The fact is some people won’t like you. People you love (or even complete strangers) will definitely have opinions about you…what you should do, who you should be, whether they agree with what you said or did. It’s because of their own thoughts, life experience and beliefs. Their perspective has everything to do with their brain and it’s programming– and nothing to do with you.
Trying to change other peoples thoughts just isn’t possible.
You have thoughts running through your mind all of the time and so do others. You can’t enter into their head and change what they’re thinking – even if you try really hard. It’ll never work.
You can only manage your own mind. You can try to manipulate things or sway others. You can try your best to shift their perspective. You can defend yourself. You can argue.
But it just wastes all of your mental energy. It takes up so much head space. You will feel powerless because when you’re caught up in speculation and preoccupied with other people’s thoughts, you’ve abandoned what you actually can control – your own mind.
When we are trying to control someone else’s thoughts, we act different.
Let me just say that you will definitely want to try to control what other people think of you. That is normal and a very human quality.
But trying to control what other people think will result in you showing up differently. You’ll do things to try to get other people to like you, to approve of you, to want to be with you, to agree with you.
This may look like being overly kind and accommodating so that someone likes you more.
Or trying to convince someone that they should change their mind.
It may look like you committing to join a book club or a bake sale when it’s not what you want.
Or changing your own behavior to match what you think other’s expect from you.
When you try to control what other people think, you don’t show up as you.
You show up as a dishonest, watered-down version of yourself.
When you try to get people to approve of or like you, it won’t work. They can tell. And you end up acting needy and strange, and feeling resentful.
Connection is built on authenticity and vulnerability.
When we are constantly trying to influence what others think of us, we can’t be our truest self. Think of the people to which you are closest. Your sister, your mom, your spouse, your BFF. Chances are your closest people are the ones that you can be your most real self with. The relationships where there’s depth and acceptance and no judgment. Where you aren’t grasping for approval or validation. Where you can show up in all your human messiness and own it fully.
How to Stop Caring What Other People Think
1.The First Step is Awareness.
Notice the thoughts you have and what feelings are coming up for you. Drop the judgement of yourself and start to observe what you’re doing and the impact it has. For example, you may notice that you’re ruminating about all the reasons why your partner didn’t text you back. Or that you’re replaying a conversation with your boss over and over, wondering if you said the wrong thing. Or you’re imagining what your friends will think when they hear about your divorce. Notice how you feel when you have these thoughts and start to question if you want to choose something different.
2.Make your opinion of yourself the most important one.
You own opinion matters most. I want you to intentionally decide this will be true in your life. You’re the one person who actually knows what is best for you. Basing your life on what other people think or approve of will create nothing but resentment and a loss of integrity with yourself. You’ll constantly be trying to change for someone else or put their needs ahead of your own in order to influence their opinion of you. You’ll focus too much on their mind and not your own thoughts and feelings
Do the work to develop a high opinion of yourself as the person you lean on the most.
3.Let other people be themselves.
Don’t take anything personally. Practice letting other people have opinions and don’t make it mean anything about you. Don’t give it so much power. Remember that you don’t actually need validation or support from other people. You don’t have to know what is going on in someone else’s mind to be ok. Remember other people have thoughts and opinions and so do you. The only reason this is a problem is because of what you make their opinions mean about you. Drop the stories and assumptions and get curious. Simply observe other people having thoughts and decide to do nothing about it.
4.Be confident enough to show up as yourself.
To often we change how we are in order to try to prevent judgement from others. But in reality, other people will judge you regardless of what you do. This is human nature. You might as well be judged for who you really are. Get clear on what you want and need and practice giving it to yourself. What are your values? What are the results you want to create? How do you want to spend your time?
Get committed. Practice courage and decision making.
Sometimes you will want to make changes in your life and that is a beautiful thing. Just be clear on why you are changing and make sure it’s in line with what you really want and believe, not because you think it’s what others prefer. The more you practice having an opinion and being yourself, the more success you will have in all areas of your life. When you show up with authenticity and vulnerability, you will attract more of the right people.
5.Let other people be wrong about you.
I absolutely LOVE this thought. It was a total game changer in my own life.
I have always had this belief that I want the people in my life to think highly of me and support me. Seems harmless right? But with any hint of misunderstanding, I would get all dramatic in my mind and slip into defensiveness.
How many times have you found yourself in an argument, where you know you’re right?
Maybe your brother tells you that you never text him back. Or your husband tells you that you always overreact. If you know this isn’t true You will want to disagree and show all of your evidence.
But consider that most arguments are two people just trying to get their point across. It is like an emotional tug of war. No one wins.
Now when I hear opinions and thoughts from others that I don’t agree with, I just say to myself, it’s ok for people to be wrong about me. I’ve learned to drop the rope. It is total freedom.
You don’t have to defend yourself and go into self righteousness. You don’t have to overexplain.
If someone says something you don’t agree with, you can just let them be wrong about you.
If you agree with your own actions, decisions and are committed to having your own back, then when someone judges you or has an opinion, it’s not a big deal.
6.Remember what you can control
Humans love certainty but it’s always an illusion. Especially in relationships. Realizing that you cannot control another human being’s actions, feelings, or judgments is so liberating.
Switch your attention back to your own mind. Remember that you are the only person you really have control over.
What you can be certain about is that you will decide how to think, feel and act based on your own brain, and never someone else’s. You don’t have to know exactly what is happening in someone else’s mind to decide what will happen in yours. This is where all of your power is.
Honor your one precious life by living it fully, deliberately, and with purpose.
Anything is possible for you.
